Resolve

Happy New Year!

Today is January 1st, the day on which most of us make New Year’s resolutions to do or be or accomplish the things we secretly know we should have been doing or being or accomplishing all along, but this time we really mean it.

I usually make a big production out of trumpeting my New Year’s resolutions to close friends and family and the bank teller and the clerk at the deli counter and the UPS guy, but not this year. This year, I’m keeping it low key, and just taking out a very small personal ad in the Spokesman-Review classifieds.

And, of course, posting my resolutions to this blog. So, without fanfare, here they are.

In 2007, I hereby resolve:

* To cut my Diet Coke consumption in half before it pickles my brain and makes it unfit for controlling my body functions in the present and, eventually, for contributing to revolutionary medical research in the fields of brain transplantation and the exploration of psychokinetic phenomena. (I just recently realized I was psychokinetic. I can make drinks spill just by thinking, “I’d better be careful with this cup—it would be terrible to spill it on our new couch.”)

* To actually count the items in my grocery cart before steering into the “20 items or less” checkout line. My current practice is to eyeball the contents of my cart for roughly two seconds before shrugging and declaring, “Close enough.” Invariably, the lady in line behind me is a very precise counter. She also gets grumpy when I forget to put up the little rubber bar to separate my heathenish groceries from her Chateau Briand and stinky cheese. (What’s with that lady, anyway? I hope she’s making a few resolutions herself. She is desperately in need of the mood-healing powers of Ro-tel cheese dip and nachos.)

* To finally finish the potty training of my very reluctant three year old. Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that he’ll be four in a few weeks, and it is past time that he learns to stay not only dry, but clean. I’m pretty nearly desperate enough to try my friend’s trick of letting him roam around pantsless for a week, despite the obvious dangers to our furniture and carpets. (Actually, I’m mostly concerned about the furniture. As for the carpets, this is one of those perks of renting that I told you about.)

* To fold my laundry before it reaches the ceiling.

* To “lose” my pesky gym membership card, thereby eliminating the need to come up with flimsy excuses for why I’m not using it every time I see it in my wallet and feel the accompanying stab of guilt. ( I suppose I could resolve to actually go to the gym, but it will probably be pretty crowded in there for a while with all those other New Year’s resolution-makers.)

* To pick up the daily blogging habit again. Consider yourselves forewarned. You will now have to dig through loads of tripe for your tiny nuggets of amusement or enlightenment (or whatever it is you get from reading this blog. I admit, I’m in the dark here.)

* To stop overusing parentheses. (But I’m not promising anything. I’m only human, after all.)

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