Author Archives: Katrina

Moving to New Digs


Hello! Remember me?

I’ve been poking around in here for a while today, reading and laughing. It’s been fun to blow the dust off of some of these old posts and remember the me who wrote them, as well as the you who commented on them. It’s been a long time!

If any of you are still out there watching, I’d love for you to follow me over to my new home at You’ll find news on the fiction I’ve been writing lately, as well as blog posts just like the ones here, full of personal thoughts and shenanigans.

And if the last guest has gone home to bed, if this post is merely a brief shout into an empty room, then I guess I’ll just say goodbye, Notes on a Napkin. Thanks for giving my memories a warm place to live.

The Twenty Year Secret



Monday, March 7th, we celebrated our 20th anniversary.

Twenty years of marriage is a pretty big deal. Maybe not to my parents, who have been married over twice that long, or to my grandparents, who tied the knot more than sixty years ago, but in a time and place where divorce rates are high and fewer people are getting married than ever before, twenty years is where the “wows” begin.

Twenty years of marriage is when people start asking you the question. Later, as you hit 30 years, then 40, then 50, they will ask more frequently, and listen more closely to the answer.

The question is this: “What’s your secret?”

I know, because I asked it many times myself as a young wife, gathering up the answers and building them into a shelter to ward off the feeling that I didn’t really know what I was doing.

What is the secret to a long and happy marriage?

There are things I could tell you. Useful things. Wise things. Some morsels of enlightenment have been gifted to us along the way, shared through friendships and group discussions, handed down in the way of old quilts and apple pie recipes, with hopes that their value will be passed on when the original owners are gone. Some have been learned at swordpoint, in the heat of battle, etched into our hearts with fire and blood, the cost of the lesson engraving it more deeply than the ones that didn’t hurt as much. All of them are valuable.

For example, I could tell you to be kind to each other. Speak gently and listen well. Deliver surprise coffee. Give unrequested backrubs. Hold hands. Pay attention to each other. Be generous with your time, your body, your heart. Use your words and actions to say over and over again, “I am thinking about you. I choose you. I love you.”

I could tell you to be honest. Don’t say you’re fine when you’re not. Wounds and secrets fester in the dark, so don’t let them stay there. Don’t hide your feelings, or your text messages, or your struggles. Tell the truth in love, about big things and little ones. When trouble comes, face it head-on, and together.

I could tell you to be patient with one another. Expect occasional bad moods, foolish decisions, and painful mistakes, and decide ahead of time to let them go. Make a habit of forgiveness. Be slow to take offense. Assume the best motives, even when the words don’t come out right. Try to see things through each other’s eyes. Allow for differences of opinion; the world won’t end if you don’t agree on everything.

I could tell you to have fun together. Find things you both like to do, whether it’s mountain climbing or just Netflix on the couch, and do them. Go on dates, especially if you have kids; let them see how important you are to each other. Have lots of sex. Play board games. Go dancing. Once in a while, cross over and try each other’s favorite things. You might hate it, or you might end up playing World of Warcraft together for six years. Laugh every day. Go on adventures. Have private jokes. Carve out a space for each other that is free from worry and responsibility and kids, and go there together often.

I could tell you to commit to your marriage with all your heart. Plant your flag in the country you’re building together and refuse to be moved, no matter what armies come against you. Don’t say the D-word, even in jest. You will go through seasons of drought and years of plenty. Being “in love” comes and goes and comes again over the years, but love, the real kind, is a choice you make every day to put each other above yourselves. That kind of love can go the distance. When you know how to love like that, being “in love” is easy.

I could tell you any of these things, and it would be a good response. A helpful one.

But it wouldn’t be the true one. The things we’ve learned along the way are important, but none of them are the glue that has held us together for this long. You see, we are far from being masters of marriage. We’re still learning, just like everyone else. At one point or another, we have failed each other spectacularly in every single one of these areas. We’ve been unkind, dishonest, and impatient. We’ve hurt each other and let each other down. We’ve lost all sight of fun during dark slogs through hard times. We’ve even wavered in our commitment once or twice.

But there really is a secret. One thing that has held us together and kept our wheels on the the road, even when it’s been bumpy. One thing that will continue to pull us closer together and wrap us in joy for the next twenty or thirty or forty years, until death parts us. One thing that always brings us back to our best selves, and the promises we’ve made, and the love we share.

Here it is, the secret to a long and happy marriage:

It has God in the center of it.

That’s it. We are where we are because the Father brought us here, the Son gave His life for us, and the Spirit lives inside us. God is the one who strengthens us to stay the course. He’s the one who works in us to allow us to forgive, to be kind, and to honor our commitment. He’s the one who pulls us up off the ground and brushes the dirt out of our hair when we fall on our faces. He’s the one who teaches us how to love for real.

Because that’s how He loves.

And now you know the secret.

We’re telling everybody.

Troll Bridge



Troll Bridge

I’m at the gaping precipice
A troll beneath my feet
He’s sniffing in my scent to
Find out if I’m good to eat

I long to cower back and hide
I quiver at his growl
I’ll never make it home, I think
With monsters on the prowl

But still I have to cross this bridge
And pass the forest deep
So, trembling, I gather
Up my courage, and I leap

And each step’s harder than the last
As darkness gathers round
The hissing scrape of talons
Fills the night with deadly sound

Before the claws can catch me, though,
Before the shadow harms
My Father’s voice calls out ahead
I crash into His arms

Not satisfied with waiting for
His child to find the light,
He charged into the darkness
And he found me in the night

We turn towards home together now
And peace fills up my soul
For when I’m with my Father…
There’s no need to fear the troll.

–Katrina Swaim

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back on the Blog


*WARNING: vomit related*

Have you ever seen something in a movie or a book that was so horrific that it stayed with you for days afterward, the details emblazoned indelibly on your brain, popping up to ruin your sleep and your meals?

Well, that is what I had to face in the middle of the night last night when my 15 year old woke up with nausea and inexplicably decided to run upstairs to tell me about it instead of beelining for the bathroom. She was doing that pre-spew gagging thing when she got to my room, so I yelled, “The bathroom! Get to the bathroom!” She made it to the bathroom, but not to the toilet.

The amount of ick that came out of her defied the laws of physics. She painted the bathroom with her body weight’s worth of not just last night’s dinner, but what had to be all her meals going back to her tenth birthday. To paraphrase Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer, I think I saw a boot come out of her. She destroyed the room. And I don’t just mean the floor. The floor, the door, the rug, the toilet, the counter–nothing escaped. It was very similar to that one scene in Pitch Perfect; you know the one. Except worse, because of…

The smell! I’ll never know how I kept from adding my own stomach contents to what was already on the floor. I cursed and cried and gagged the entire time I was cleaning up, when what I really wanted to do was call down an airstrike on the whole house.

It was easily the most disgusting moment of motherhood so far, and that is saying something. I keep seeing it when I close my eyes. I keep smelling it in my imagination. I have vomit PTSD. Is there an equivalent of the Silver Star just for mothers? Because I totally earned it last night.

After I finished hosing down the entire disaster zone with Lysol and started the washer, I climbed back into bed and woke Paul up from a sound sleep just to say, “You owe me BIG TIME, mister.”


Thankful #13 – #30


I know, I know. November thankful posts have come and gone, and I am still stuck back at day thirteen! I could brush it off, but I hate to leave anything unfinished, so you’re getting the quick, quick version. If you don’t mind, do my work for me and imagine each of the following bullet points lovingly fleshed out into a fulsome paragraph of purple prose.

Today I’m thankful for:

13.  The snooze button. It’s a love-hate relationship.

14. Fleece sheets. November hits, the temperature plunges, and Paul and I change our pedestrian cotton sheets for the sublime slumber of the fortunate, fleece-encased few. It’s like sleeping on a cloud.

15. The self check-out line at the grocery store. When you need to get in and get out in five minutes, there’s nothing like self check-out. I am a leaf on the wind.

16. My library card. The most powerful piece of plastic in the world.

17. Willie Ford. If you know me, you probably know him.

18. Text messaging. With the brief exception of a few years in the nineties, I’ve always had a phone aversion. To the talking part, I mean. I love, love, love the ability to convey essential information in a few keystrokes without doing all that verbal massage on the front and back end of the communication. Wow, this really makes me sound misanthropic, doesn’t it?

19. Online shopping. Amazon Prime, we were made for each other. Thank you for your free, fast two day deliveries. Christmas shopping has been a joy since you came into my life.

20. iPhone.  Let me count the ways.

21. My chiropractor. It’s much easier for a girl to face the world once she has her head on straight.

22. Pentel Energel Deluxe Liquid Gel Pen with a .7mm roller ball tip. Pen nirvana.

23. Digital content. Movies, music, books–now that I can own them in digital form, I am no longer limited by the constraints of my bookshelves and CD racks. I can download ALL THE THINGS!

24. Christmas trees. Some people *cough*Paul!*cough* don’t like to put them up until after Thanksgiving, but you better believe it is going up the moment the leftover turkey is wrapped and put away! There is an unearthly peace that descends when you’re sitting alone in a dark living room lit only by a Christmas tree. It’s a little bit magic.

25. Cream, sugar, and Torani syrup. Without these things, I would never have discovered how much I love coffee.

26. The McDonalds drive-thru girls. They know my name at McDonalds, which is probably not something to be proud of. It’s the iced tea. I don’t know how they make it, but I need it. And the drive-thru girls are my delightful dealers. They are nearly always smiling, and they know exactly how I take my McTea: unsweetened, in a styrofoam cup. (Sorry, Earth, but it keeps my ice from melting so fast.)

26. My espanol lessons are going muy bien, gracias.

27. My new doorbell. At last, we can dispense with the post-it note by the front door that says, “Doorbell broken. Please knock!” It can play the Westminster chimes, but I was outvoted, so now it just goes “ding-dong”. I don’t care; I still love it.

28. Real, honest-to-goodness letters. I still get one occasionally, written in ink on paper, sealed in an envelope with a colorful stamp in the corner. Why are they so much cooler than email?

29. Pixel & Widget. A functional cat can serve as an antidepressant, a hot water bottle, a live stage show, an alarm clock, a therapist, and an exterminator. Ours also manage to be super adorable.

30. Idaho winter. The wind, the snow, the clear sparkle of stars through night air so sharp and cold that it hurts your lungs to breathe–my inner Jack London is roaring.

Thankful #6 – #12



Today’s list of blessings is comprised entirely of websites. What an amazing time we live in, with a world of information (and misinformation) right at our fingertips. With the aid of the internet, we can be either madly clicking paragons of productivity or ravaged wastrels lounging atop a throne of empty pizza boxes in our underwear. Either way, here are some of the websites I’m thankful for:

6. WebMD. How else could I find out all the things I didn’t know were wrong with me? By the way, today I either have mild wrist swelling caused by overuse or creeping bone cancer. Could be either, according to WebMD.

7. Google. It’s the search engine whose name became synonymous with searching for things on the internet. I’ve tried a number of others, but always come back to the megalith of internet construction. Not only is it the most comprehensive and useful, but the Google doodle occasionally provides hours of entertainment.

8. I Can Has Cheezburger. Life can be brutal, man. Some days, we get knocked down so many times that staying down starts to seem like the best option. On those days, I like to fill my brain up with cute hedgehog babies in teacups and puppies wearing tiny fedoras. I like to imagine that I live in a world where my cat has something clever and pithy to say about the mess  I left in the kitchen, and where every animal, from cow to platypus, is blessed with a rapier sharp sarcastic wit. Cheezburgers for everyone!

9. Lifehacker. This too-practical-to-be-believed website has tips and tricks for everything from making your own bicycle-powered battery to optimizing your Google searches. I just recently used it to find a good (and free) language learning app. No matter what you want to do (deseed a pomegranate, interview for a job, water your plants), Lifehacker has a tip for you! Never again will I have to suffer from excess pool noodle accumulation. Thanks,  Lifehacker!

10. Wikipedia. It’s exhaustive. It’s crowd-sourced. And it’s mostly accurate. To think, my parents had to spend $300 in 1995 for an actual printed set of World Book encyclopedias. It was out of date before we received it.  And it didn’t even have an entry for the Hollywood Freeway Chickens. Well-researched accounts of roving feral chicken bands living in the urban jungles of Southern California are exactly the sort of thing I look for in a good encyclopedia.

11. Craigslist. Buy stuff. Sell stuff. Even meet people (if you’re brave/crazy), and get a chuckle out of seeing the weirdness of humanity on full display.

12. The Marriage Bed. There’s a vicious rumor going around that Christians don’t like sex. I’m pretty sure I’ve debunked that idea at length in other posts, however, if you need more convincing, check out The Marriage Bed, a website that celebrates sex in the context of Christian marriage. There are general discussion boards that are open to click through, as well as boards that address more specific interests; those can be accessed by registering on the site and opting in to the boards you’d like to read. There is also a library of articles and helpful links. Whether you’re facing challenges in your sex life or are just looking for some new ideas, The Marriage Bed is a great resource!

Thankful #3, #4, and #5



Here are three things that win my gratitude today:

3. For Paul’s birthday this year, I got him a Keurig coffee maker. I honestly wasn’t thinking of myself when I bought it (well, perhaps I was thinking about those three dollar cups of coffee Paul routinely purchased on his way to work. That adds up in a hurry!) However, since its appearance on our kitchen counter, I have used it almost as much as he has.

I’ve never been much of a coffee person, but when Keurig came into our lives, dazzling us with his lightning fast, one-cup brewmastery and his intoxicating array of K-cups, I was easily hooked. Morning by morning, I’ve spilled out of bed and clawed my way to the kitchen with increasing anticipation, my mind on the possibilities: Donut Shop coffee, or Newman’s Own? Hazelnut creamer, or vanilla? Ooh, maybe I’ll have a mocha today! Whipped cream? Yes, please. Whatever I choose, the first scalding sip of that bold elixir squares my shoulders, propels me out the door, and sets me face-forward on the day’s path.

So THIS is coffee! I get it now, world! (Plus, at 30-50 cents a cup, the savings would make Scrooge McDuck do the money dance!)


4. It never fails. I’m working on a big project in Microsoft Publisher, a document that has taken hours of cutting, pasting, and tweaking to perfection, and I decide to do just One More Thing to it. It’s a thing I don’t know exactly how to do, but I tell myself that if I play around with the tools long enough, I’ll figure it out. In a few short keystrokes, my carefully calibrated document is a mess, the casualty of unseen forces called into being by the misuse of my feeble wizardry, set on destroying my formatting and breaking my brain.

Just as I’m on the verge of a temper tantrum, I remember! The Undo button! Merciful mother of microchips! A click or two, and the world has once again righted itself. I make the decision to leave well enough alone, print my document, and collapse in a grateful heap. Day saved. (It’s too bad there’s not an Undo button for the analog world. Just think of all the poor decisions that could be undone! All the inappropriate Facebook statuses erased, the ill-conceived tweets untweeted, and the bombed jokes untold…)


5. This being November in Idaho, our weather has just made the transition from “brisk” to “biting” cold. Add in the damp from the fall rains, and it’s a chill that slowly works its way down into your bones. On days like this, I am thankful for the heater in my car, which warms up surprisingly quickly, within 60 seconds or so. I can get in with the shivers and, in moments, be toasting my frozen fingers in the lovely flow of warmth from the dashboard heater vent. It would be hard to survive an Idaho winter without it!

Thankful #2


toilet paper

I have used leaves. I have used crumpled up fast food napkins from my purse. In a pinch, I have even used a very scratchy and uncomfortable piece of loose leaf notebook paper. These experiences have only buttressed (Heh. Get it?) my resolve to offer thanks for the subject of today’s gratitude post:

Toilet paper.

What would we do without you, toilet paper?

Well, we know that, actually. Before there was toilet paper, our ancestors used grass, leaves, fur, corncobs–you name it. The Vikings used lamb’s wool. Eskimos used snow and moss off the tundra. The French used hemp, various coastal people used seashells (carefully, I assume), and throughout Medieval Europe, straw and hay was the common choice.  In ancient Rome, they used a sponge soaked in salt water and fastened to the end of a stick. And in the Middle East, well… there’s a reason it was considered rude to offer your left hand for a handshake.

Perhaps those days are past, but it wasn’t that long ago that country families would hang the Sears & Roebuck catalog in their outhouses to serve a purpose beyond providing reading material. You had to be a fast reader to get through all of it before it went to its final resting place. It may have been convenient, but soft it was not.

Now we have Mr. Whipple, whose curmudgeonly admonishment not to squeeze the Charmin serves to remind us how soft it is. And that’s not all. We have so many choices! Do you want it quilted, three-ply, extra-soft, extra-strong, and extra-absorbent? We have that! You can buy it mildly scented, sprinkled with embossed flowers, and in a delightful array of colors to match your bathroom decor!

I myself have experienced increasing satisfaction in the area of toilet paper performance, ever since leaving behind the insufficiencies of the thin, sandpaper-y institutional toilet tissue of my college dorm years. We are now Cottonelle people, and you’ll never convince us otherwise. The only way to go up from here would be to buy a bidet.

At any rate, I am enraptured to be living, loving, and eliminating in the enlightened age of toilet paper. The alternatives do not even bear* thinking about.


“European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.” –Dave Barry

“It’s not hard to tell we was poor – when you saw the toilet paper dryin’ on the clothesline.” –George Lindsey

“Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.” –Joey Bishop


tp bear

Thankful #1


Over the years, I’ve made a lot of lists of my blessings. I’ve written Thanksgiving blog posts and taken on November daily Facebook challenges. I usually approach the counting of blessings in order of importance, starting with the Big Ones – God, my husband, my children, my friends, my church family, etc. This November, I am still incredibly blessed in all of those large and important ways.  I am grateful beyond words for the gifts of faith and love and life. But I’m not going to write about them.

Instead, I want to dedicate this month to being thankful for the little things. For the things that make me smile or make life easier, the things I often ignore or take for granted as I pursue great goals and dodge great crises. I’ve started to realize that there are more things to be grateful for than I will ever have time to tell. But I’m going to make a start.


In that spirit, today I am thankful for refrigeration.

With almost no effort at all, I can walk upstairs right now and get a cold soda out of the fridge. I can cook and eat meat that I bought four days ago without worrying that it will make me and my family sick. I can stock my freezer up with Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream when it’s on sale and eat it slowly over the course of weeks, or even months (that’s theoretical, of course. Breyers mint chip never lasts more than a couple of days in our house.)

We’ve come a long way from cooling our food in springhouses to the wonder that is the Electrolux Stainless Steel French Door Refrigerator with SpillSafe Glass Shelves, Luxury-Glide Cool Zone Drawer, Humidity-Controlled Crispers, Ice Maker and IQ-Touch Controls.

Down through history, man has always yearned to knock back a cold one now and then. Thanks to modern refrigeration, it has never been easier than it is right now.

Refrigerators, you rock!


“He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.” –Dwight Schrute, on the benefits of refrigeration

Letter to my Newlywed Self



I’ve seen plenty of inspiring, wisdom-filled essays from people to their younger selves. They are generally uplifting and full of good advice about choices and chances—wisdom gleaned from painful years of wrong turns, shifting perceptions, and painful falls. Sure, their younger selves wouldn’t listen any better than they did, but it feels good to say it out loud, nonetheless, to acknowledge how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown. Looking back over almost 18 years of marriage now, I realized that I also have a lot to say to my younger self–specifically the self I was when I married Paul at the tender age of 22 and embarked, for better or worse, on the crazy adventure that follows the choice to spend the rest of your life with the person you love.

Dear Newlywed Katrina,

The wedding was beautiful, wasn’t it? Aside from you accidentally smashing your groom’s fingers in the car door before making your getaway, the day was sheer poetry. Looking over at your new husband, I know you can’t imagine that anyone before or since has ever had a love as profound and unique as yours. And all those people who talk about marriage being hard work full of fights and frustrations and misunderstandings clearly didn’t manage to marry their perfect soulmate, as you have cleverly done.

You might want to sit down, girl.

It turns out that the finger-smashing incident was a pretty good metaphor for marriage. Even when everything is beautiful and amazing between the two of you, blood and tears inevitably make an appearance here and there. Expect them, and learn from them (For example, you’ve already learned to check for fingers before slamming the car door. Don’t tell Paul, but there are a lot of accidental injuries in his future. Watch where you put your knees and elbows, and remember that your diamond ring can scratch.)

Anyway, here are some things I wish I could tell you before you have to learn them the hard way:

1. Guess what? You’re not your husband’s mother. I know, as the oldest child, that you have spent a lifetime assuming you know the best way to do everything and bossing around the people you love (in their own best interests, of course). But that’s a habit you need to break. Your husband needs a lover and a friend, not a nagging know-it-all correcting the way he loads the dishwasher or making sure he gets his work done. Believe it or not, he even has some things to teach you. Life will start being a lot more fun for both of you when you figure this out.

2. It’s his home, too. Sure, you’ve spent hours poring over magazine articles about decorating on a budget and combing through thrift shops for those beautifully aged shabby chic end tables. You consider your home an extension of yourself, an embodiment of your unique personality, and Paul’s framed Star Wars movie poster, as attractive as it is, just doesn’t jibe with the casual neo-Grecian vibe you’re trying to create. I mean, you’ve already given him a four foot steamer trunk in which to stuff all his unsightly computer cords and gaming paraphernalia; what more does he want? Well, I’ll tell you. He wants to feel like he lives there. He wants to be comfortable and at home in his own place. He wants to be able to see his stuff, and to use it without feeling like it’s a barbaric offense to the civilized world. He wants to meld your life and his into a new life that is better and richer than before; he wants to create a home for the two of you, one that reflects both of you and this new thing that you are together. Besides, deep inside, you are a way bigger geek than you even know right now. You’ll want to hang on to that Star Wars poster.

3. Let some things go. Right now, you think that good communication means airing your every single complaint and irritation with each other immediately and in full. You don’t want to “let things fester”, and that’s good. Festering is bad. But what you don’t know yet is that a lot of those things that bother you now just aren’t very important. They aren’t even big enough to fester. They’re more like little welts on the surface of your skin that will entirely disappear by morning. For example, it’s certainly not worth killing two hours of a precious Saturday night to wage war on his annoying habit of putting empty containers back in the fridge. Just throw them away for him. Seriously. It takes two seconds. Save your energy for the big battles, because there will be a few, and you don’t want to have spent all your emotional capital on empty Miracle Whip jars.

4. Make time for each other. I know, you think you’ll always have these late Saturday mornings to lie in bed gazing into each other’s eyes and talking about everything under the sun. You can’t imagine that a time will come when you don’t call each other at work to coo adoringly into the phone or spend evenings strolling hand in hand along downtown streets, dreaming about your future selves. But life has a way of happening, filling up the hours and days with children and projects and obligations. Before you know it, you can find yourselves falling into bed after a busy day without having said more to each other than “good morning”, “goodnight”, and “don’t forget your dentist appointment at four”. You have to fight this with all of your will! Connections are much easier to maintain than they are to rebuild. Don’t ever let busy schedules and worries make you forget what you have in each other. The back burner is no place for a marriage. Keep the heat on under it, and stir it constantly. Trust me, it will be delicious.

5. Be on the same team. The world is full of adversaries – people who want to tear you down or take what you have, people who only want to win, to dominate, to stand at the top of a heap of fallen opponents and bask in their victories. That’s the opposite of marriage. You and Paul are comrades in arms, shouting encouragement and sharing canteens as you take this hill of life together. You will disagree with each other; one or the other of you will fall down and lose focus; you will encounter obstacles so big they seem to block out the sun. At such times, it’s easy to turn on your teammate, but don’t. Take turns picking each other up. Forget about blame and focus on the next step. Carry each other when the need arises. To quote Malcolm Reynolds (from the show Firefly – you’re going to love it!), “You’re on my crew. Why we still talking about this?”

6. When it comes to sex, say yes as often as you can. Sex is glue for your relationship. Apply liberally. A few months after your honeymoon, when you’ve worked out all the mechanical details, you will fall back into bed one night, turn your eyes to the heavens, and ask blissfully, “Can it possibly get any better than THIS?” And the answer, I am delighted to report, is “YES!” Better and better and unbelievably better! (But now I’m just bragging.) Here’s the thing. You will be tempted to set the tempo of your sex life solely to the beat of your own desire. And, female sexual response being what it is, that desire will not come knocking on your door quite as often as it does on his. But if you say yes, even if you don’t feel like dancing at first, you will usually find yourself getting caught up in the beat. Sometimes you’ll want the seven course meal, and other times, you’ll just be in the mood for a quick burger and fries. (Wow, I’ve got like three sex metaphors going here!) Either kind of meal can be satisfying. The important thing is the nourishment it gives your relationship. It’s amazing how powerful sex is. When you’re stressed out, when he’s had a setback at work, when the argument is over but the tension isn’t — sex says, “I love you. I choose you. We are in this together.” It makes the highs higher and the lows less harrowing. Plus, it’s fun. Do it a lot.

7. Show Paul how much you admire him. You picked him for a reason — lots of reasons. Does he know what they are? When you find yourself appreciating his sense of humor, or his easy way of talking to strangers, or how good he looks in his jeans, open your mouth and tell him! Say nice things about him in front of others, and try not to share stories with your girlfriends that would embarrass him. (I admit that I still struggle with this. See if you can do something about our compulsive oversharing, will you, 22 year-old me?) Be the one in his corner, the one who cheers louder than anyone else, the one who speaks into the self-doubt and discouragement with words that build up and show him who he is in your eyes. He needs that, just like you do.

8. Do new things. Sure, you don’t like football now, and the mention of tabletop gaming makes your eyes glaze over with boredom, but don’t reject his favorite activities out of hand. Give them a chance. Yes, you’ll discover that you truly never, ever want to play Shogun again in your life, but you’ll also be surprised to find out that you quite like fantasy football and computer gaming. And the effort you put into sharing his interests will pay off in a hundred little ways, like the warm smile in his eyes when he has to crown you Queen and Champion of the Fantasy Football League in your very first season..

9. Don’t give up. There will come a time when you think about it, when the wrong turn your marriage has made takes you so far into the weeds that you can’t even see your feet. Don’t give up. You get back to the road the same way you got off of it — one step at a time. In a marriage like yours, made of two people who love and trust God, there is nothing He can’t fix.

10. Finally, I know you hate that ratty plaid flannel jacket that Paul always wears, but do not throw it away and pretend it got lost in the laundry. He will know it was you, and you will still be hearing about it 18 years later. Trust me.

You’re in for a wild ride, Katrina, but the scenery is fantastic. Hang on tight and don’t let go!