Tag Archives: Jerry Orbach

Jury Duty, Redux

Standard

“It’s a jury duty summons,” Paul announced as he riffled through yesterday’s stack of mail.

“Ha!” I said, “I guess it’s your turn now!”

“Nope. It’s for you.”

“What?” I seized the official-looking document and flipped it over. Sure enough, there was my name. “But I just served! I thought they couldn’t call me again for two years!”

So what’s the deal? This summons is for a United States District Court, while the last one was for a Grand Jury. Is that why I’m getting tapped again? Or did they just make a mistake? I’m a little confused, but I guess I’ll try to iron it all out on Monday, when the offices are open. I’m hoping it’s just a clerical error.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to shirk my civic duty. If it weren’t for having to arrange child care, get someone to pick Katie up at school, and juggle our one car with Paul so he can get to work, I might actually be excited about a little break from the normal laundry and dishes routine. Unfortunately, though, it takes a lot of shuffling to get our ducks in a row, and the unpredictable nature of jury duty makes it worse. You don’t even find out until the night before if you have to show up at all. And if you do get selected for a jury, there’s no way to know how long the case is going to drag out.

So I guess I had better start thinking of ways to make myself less appealing as a potential juror.

I think this calls for a Top Ten list. And with that, I give you:

Top Ten Ways to Get Out of Jury Duty

10. Show up wearing a Charles Manson tee shirt and carrying a dog-eared copy of “Helter Skelter”. Every so often, giggle for no reason.

9. As the judge reads the list of charges, count them down on your fingers, loudly saying “check” after each one.

8. Fake narcolepsy.

7. Bring your kids with you. Be sure to feed them a hearty breakfast of Nerds and Twinkies first.

6. Wait until the judge asks you a routine jury polling question, then stand up and shout, “You can’t handle the truth!”

5. Ask to see the breastfeeding facilities.

4. Start booing and hissing whenever the defense attorney gets up to make a statement.

3. When you’re asked to take the juror’s oath, insist on translating it into Klingon.

2. Whisper loudly to the potential juror beside you: “This show was so much better when Jerry Orbach was on it!”

1. Wear this.