Don’t Read This, Kathy.



Okay, now that we’re alone, I have a question for you, readers.

In “Much Ado About Nothing”, Shakespeare called the constant skirmish of wits between Benedick and Beatrice a “merry war”.

I’m having a merry war right now with my friend, Kathy, except instead of words, we are using empty Diet Coke cans.

How did it start?  Well, first I have to tell you that Kathy is always after me to recycle my Diet Coke cans.  Sadly, I have quite the habit, consuming up to six Diet Cokes a day.  And I do recycle them.  Sometimes.  If I remember.  And if there is a convenient container around.  Occasionally, though, I forget (or get lazy) and one of my empties makes its way into a trash can somewhere around the building where we both work.  Inevitably (using what I can only presume is a latent superpower brought on by prolonged exposure to laminator fumes),  Kathy finds it, digs it out of the trash, and confronts me with it, flourishing it beneath my nose like a bloody tee shirt at a murder trial.  I look sheepish and contrite, she grins triumphantly, and she takes the can away to recycle it herself.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Which is why, this past Wednesday, on a lark, I decided that instead of throwing my empty can away, I’d place it directly in her teacher mailbox in the school office (you know, to make it easier for her to recycle.)  Apparently she didn’t need a note to figure out who put it there.

Thursday afternoon, after work, I started to pull out of the parking lot in my car only to hear a raucous metallic clatter trailing after me that convinced me my muffler had fallen from its underpinnings and was dragging noisily across the asphalt.  I got out to check and found a platoon of empty Diet Coke cans tied with string to my rear bumper, much to the enjoyment of the road construction worker having lunch on the bed of his truck a few feet away.

“Kathy!” I growled to the skies, clenching my fist in the air.

“Who’s Kathy?” Road Crew Guy asked around a kaleidoscopic mouthful of sandwich.

“A friend of mine,” I explained, shaking my head in amused exasperation as I untangled the trailing ends of string from where they were wound around my license plate screws.

He snorted, nearly choking on his bite of ham and cheese before he managed to get it down.  “Are you sure she’s a friend?” he asked, still laughing.

As I drove away (can-free), I realized that I had two choices here.  I could have a good chuckle and just let it go, OR….



So here’s my question, folks:  What should I do next?  It has to be safe, easy, and yield maximum irritation.  And it has to involve Diet Coke cans.

What have you got?


Don’t be afraid to participate, people.  Kathy’s not reading this.  I promise.  (Didn’t you see the title?)


12 responses »

  1. Set them up in tower form in several layers behind a door that she has to open so they crash down when she opens the door or in front of a door she has to open so that she has to take them down before she opens the door. Let us know what you end up doing this is tooooooo funny!!

  2. I think you should give a can to each of her students and have them place one on her desk every hour or so throughout the day when her back is turned.
    You could have her hubby put Diet Coke tabs in the pockets of all her hang up clothes.

  3. IF her car has removable plastic hub caps, a few pull tabs in one of them will only make noise when she starts and stops. She will call Car Talk on NPR and they will laugh at her until they have to take a station identification break.

  4. Sometimes waiting a while heightens the anticipation or else causes the other party to lower their defenses. I say wait, collecting your cans for a while, and then do something involving many cans like maybe filling her car with them or one of the other creative ideas above. Either way, I love it all. Pranks are fun.

  5. please. if you want to make it challenging, use the whole quote. it should take you, what? a week?

    O, pardon me, thou bleeding piece of earth,
    That I am meek and gentle with these butchers!
    Thou art the ruins of the noblest man
    That ever lived in the tide of times.
    Woe to the hand that shed this costly blood!
    Over thy wounds now do I prophesy,–
    Which, like dumb mouths, do ope their ruby lips,
    To beg the voice and utterance of my tongue–
    A curse shall light upon the limbs of men;
    Domestic fury and fierce civil strife
    Shall cumber all the parts of Italy;
    Blood and destruction shall be so in use
    And dreadful objects so familiar
    That mothers shall but smile when they behold
    Their infants quarter’d with the hands of war;
    All pity choked with custom of fell deeds:
    And Caesar’s spirit, ranging for revenge,
    With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
    Shall in these confines with a monarch’s voice
    Cry ‘Havoc,’ and let slip the dogs of war;
    That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
    With carrion men, groaning for burial.

  6. Have Katie and Caleb help you make a “Diet Coke Man” and put it in her classroom, it may become a new mascot.
    On another note….6 cans a day!!!!! What are you thinking???

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