Leave the Gun, Take the Cannolis

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The bugs have declared war.

It seems the spiders I killed had mob connections.

This morning I awoke to find a teeming trail of sugar ants snaking around the kitchen floor. No ant spray, so I assaulted them with Windex and wiped their disinfected corpses up with paper towels.

Two hours later they were back, in force. Another round of Windex and paper towels, taking care to liberally coat the little crack under the door where they were gaining entrance. One of the more stalwart little soldiers escaped from the paper towel and ran up my hand to bite me between the fingers. It itches.

Later, in the car, I made to brush a stray hair from the underside of my arm only to discover that the little tickle I was feeling was made by a tiny spider, who, once discovered, skittered for the safety of my sleeve, nearly causing a fatal collision. (No doubt that was the plan all along.) I flicked it away only to have it catch itself by a slender thread and dangle from the steering wheel before lowering itself rapidly into my lap.

Have you ever seen someone do the Icky Spider Dance of Girliness while navigating five o’clock traffic on Appleway Avenue?

I was slapping my legs and my belly and feeling hugely thankful that I wasn’t wearing a skirt. And the way I was stomping around on the floor, it’s a wonder I didn’t rear end the Dodge Ram in front of me. I still don’t know what became of the little eight-legged ninja. It may have lived to fight another day. Just typing this, I feel like it’s crawling on me.

I don’t know what to do. I see the ants are regrouping now. If they carry me off in the middle of the night, just remember this: they started it.

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19 responses »

  1. hahaha!!! You must have been taking “dealing with life” lessons from the dad on My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Windex really IS the cure-all, apparently!

  2. I’m impressed you didn’t end up sitting in the Dodge Ram ahead of you. I would not have been impressed to have a spider land in my lap. Congrats on keeping your cool!

  3. Girl, don’t you live in an apartment? By all means, have them exterminate!!!!!! And, maybe if you bake some of your famous brownies for the exterminator, he will do a quick spray in your car too 🙂

  4. Oh, man. I’ve totally done that dance. lol

    Good luck with the ants. Those things can be impossible to get rid of.

  5. We have a GINORMOUS spider living on our back patio light, right next to the sliding glass door. I can’t kill it because the kids have adopted it as a pet. The thing freaks me out, though… It’s like a small tarantula, and it has horns on its body! It must single-handedly kill all the mosquitos in our yard. I suspect it swings around the patio like Spiderman flying through the Manhattan skyline.

  6. okay, well, ONE TIME, i squashed a spider, only to have millions of baby spiders spill from its abdomen and scurry in all directions. it was like a movie. a horror movie.

    so maybe squashed spider #1 left a generation for revenge???

  7. Please stand for our next hymn:

    All things bright and beautiful
    All creatures great and small
    All things wise and wonderful
    The Lord God made them all.

    And now let’s turn to today’s Old Testament lesson, reading from Genesis 1:24:

    KJV: And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
    May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart come pleasing to, Lord God Almighty, World without End.

    Our sermon today continues our study of creation. Today, let us look in particular at those pesty crawling things God created. Would the Lord have us, for example, arm ourselves with Windex and paper towels to remove that from His creation which He declared good. If as the song says, “All creatures great and small/The Lord God made them all”, then what in God’s name do we do with the sugar ants, cockroaches, spiders, termites, lice, houseflies, yellow jackets, and other enemies to our comfort. God created them. They are good. What shall we do?

    I think the answer to this question is really quite simple:

    CALL THE ORKIN MAN!

  8. Didn’t I teach you anything? The answer to ants is to spray the area with alcohol. Their poor little dehydrated bodies just disappear and so does the trail.

  9. Thanks, all, for the advice and commiseration. Hopefully ant season is almost over.

    No Celery–I tried the cinnamon, and the ants definitely stayed away from it, but, as I didn’t have enough for the whole floor, they ended up just relocating their trail to the cinnamon-free zone and continued their raid. Maybe I’ll try lining the crack under the door with it next year as a deterrent, before they’ve established their bases!

    Hillary–I love that movie! And yes, I thought of him as I was spraying Windex hither and yon with wild abandon!

    Jennifer–you’re right. I should probably contact the landlord about this. However, I’m still in the middle of sticky negotiations to get new linoleum laid down in my kitchen, so I don’t want to use up my pull on something I might be able to handle myself.

    Phil–The mental picture of an airborne, horned tarantula flying willy-nilly around the patio would be enough to keep me from stepping foot outdoors until the snow flies!

    Kels–That is great advice! I will try that cotton ball thing for sure. Do I have to do all the superhuman cleaning stuff first, though? I’m not really eager to see what’s lurking under my stove’s burner pans…

    Amanda Sue–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

    Raymond–I have a great respect for all of God’s creatures. Sometimes I just prefer to respect them from the safe distance of the Discovery Channel. 😉

    Mom! Thanks for the comment. No, I don’t remember the alcohol-on-ants teaching, although I’m happy to tell you that I still never park next to vans and I’ve clipped all my window blind cords off short so the kids can’t reach them. 😀 See, I’m listening!

  10. picture this….on the carport (in front of God and the neighbors) short round woman with her dress pulled up around her waist, screaming and trying to shuck out of her stockings.
    “why?” you might ask. THE DANCE *sighs*
    big fat palmetto bugs have hairy little legs that STICK to nylon panty hose. they don’t dance off, they don’t brush off, and apparently screaming doesn’t scare them away.
    i will never live it down.

  11. paprika. Sprinkled around the area where you see ants.

    Paprika.

    End of Girlie Spider Dance. And Girlie Abridged Ant Dance.

    Paprika.

  12. As if your spider in the car story wasn’t enough to make me faint, that comment from Amanda Sue is sure to give me nightmares. Forever.

    Found you via Ally Bean, and will return even though I’m feeling like a million bugs are crawling up my legs now.

  13. jayedee–Pardon me for thinking (as I’m sure you did not, at the time) that your story is hilarious! Palmetto bugs–well I remember them from growing up in Georgia. *shudder* Possibly worse than spiders, if such a thing can be conceived.

    Amy–Paprika! Never heard that one before. It’s going on the list of possible remedies. You guys should all get together and write a book of household tips. 😀

    Stephanie–Welcome! And don’t worry. It may feel like millions, but it’s probably only one or two.

  14. ha ha!! Well, I had an itty bitty mini comeback on Friday and did not do the pyscho cleaning and it was fine. They were gone by that afternoon.

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