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My self-imposed exile is over; I am now one with my iPod.

Okay, that may be overstating it a bit, but I do know how to work all the buttons, and I’ve gleefully updated my music collection with such gems as Adam Ant’s “Prince Charming”, “New Body” by Audio Adrenaline, and Matthew Sweet’s “Girlfriend”.

I’ve also met with a few unpleasant surprises–like how quickly one can drop fifty dollars just clicking that little Buy Song button in the iTunes music store. That, and the big, gaping hole in the Apple music collection where the So I Married an Axe Murderer soundtrack ought to be. (Start your letter-writing campaign here.)

Overall, however, I’m thrilled with my new iLife, which leads me (as promised) to these completely unrelated points:

On removing objects from a toddler’s nose:

Tilt the child’s head back. This will require three adults and a strong dose of Children’s Dimetapp. Attempt to make visual confirmation. If the object is a foodstuff, leave it. It will most likely dissolve and be discharged over the course of several days as your child blows his nose, or, if you live in the South, removed harmlessly by a colony of ants while the child sleeps. If the object is a toy soldier, Lego, Barbie shoe, or Hotwheels car, attempt to remove it with the tiny, useless tweezers from your Swiss Army knife. After fifteen minutes, when your efforts have accidentally shoved the object into the child’s brain, take him to the emergency room. They have special clamps just for errant toy removal and, after laughing at you for a while and posting the x-rays on their blog, they will take care of the problem in a matter of seconds. This also works for ears.

The top ten signs you’re not a teenager anymore:

  1. Your shirt and your pants touch.
  2. You no longer “get” Ethan Hawke’s character in Reality Bites.
  3. You stop laughing at those bathing suits with the little skirts on them.
  4. Your vision of “prince charming” has evolved–instead of riding up on a white horse and sweeping you away to an enchanted castle, he rides up in a fuel-efficient car, sweeps you out of the kitchen, and then loads the dishwasher, picks up toys, and puts the kids in bed while you sit perfectly still with a diet Coke in your hand.
  5. You quit sucking in your stomach for photos, and suck in your double chin instead.
  6. “Going to bed early” sounds like a reward, not a punishment.
  7. You don’t know who Carson Daly is.
  8. You siphon money out of the grocery budget to go hear Duran Duran in concert.
  9. Your favorite cable channels are HGTV, The History Channel, and A&E.
  10. The cute waiter at your girls’ night out turns out to be someone you used to babysit.

On what to do when a dinner guest finds a hair in his food:

I must confess. I was bluffing on this one. I have absolutely no idea what to do when a guest distastefully draws a golden lock of the cook’s mane out of his pasta primavera. I suppose I would just quietly die of embarrassment. After all, it would be tacky for him to mention it then.

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21 responses »

  1. Ahh. I can identify with so much. I have, in my childhood, managed to insert a popcorn kernel up my nose and a Trix in my ear. Both painful and rather messy to remove for my Mom. I have no idea how either object got there.
    -Lisa

  2. I had to go to emergency as a kid for putting raisins up my nose. My parents still tease me about it.
    I can relate to almost all of the “top ten signs…” Sad…oh well, those were many many years ago.
    Glad you’re back from your hiatus!!

  3. Lite Brites. His brother put it in there. They both thought it was funny. Until I got out the Gigantor Tweezer From Hell.

    Heh.

    When a guest finds hair in the food: Clap and say “You found it! Congratulations! You win! We always plant one strand of hair in the meal on special occasions and whoever finds it, wins!” and give him or her a prize. This requires keeping a bag of valuable presents. But cash will do.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  4. Yea, Katrina has returned – along with her rare form πŸ™‚ I’ve missed you…

    The Top 10 list made me sad because not only could I identify with each & everyone one of those items, but it simply reminded me how old I am!! Except, of course, for #8 – it was Bon Jovi for Valentine’s Day πŸ™‚

    Welcome back!!!

  5. My exact thoughts on Prince Charming, too. πŸ™‚

    I’ve had the unfortunate experience of the hair-in-food-horror more than once (happens when you have 20 pounds of hair). I simply sweep away all the plates and offer to make something else. If one person isn’t eating it, none of us are. πŸ˜›

    Pizza, anyone?

  6. i have never seen ants removing foodstuffs from harveys nose.. but i will keep you posted. its bound to happen some day.

  7. sisiggy–What a great idea! A cash “prize” would certainly smooth things over. (Of course, the next time they came over, I might catch them putting one of their own hairs in the food!)

    Cuppy–Yes, and the sad fact is that hair as long as yours or mine is easily distinguishable from others’, so we can’t even cast blame on someone else! You’ve inspired me to put Papa John’s on my speed dial. πŸ™‚

  8. Hey! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! I’m glad you’re one with your iPod now.

    I agree with most of your top 10 list, but I have to say I only *wish I didn’t know who Carson Daly is. That guy is so not funny!!
    (P.S. I totally bought the newest U2 and Duran Duran cds. πŸ™‚ I would recommend U2 to anyone. Duran Duran is a little techno-heavy, in case you were wondering.)

  9. #5 and #8, yep, that would be me!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog again. The visit is going good with my mom, the kids are just hogging her, oh well, they love her to bits, cant’t complain about that. My family lives far away too (20 hours away) so any time with them is special. Take care.

  10. Katrina I am so happy to see you again. My access to your site has been “forbidden” thanks to blogger glitches for a week – happy to see I didn’t miss much since you were playing with your ipod. πŸ™‚

    Isabel.. the trick is to have the pic taken above you while you look up at the camera, and I Only know that from taking people’s pictures. *wink* right?!?

    Blessings to you and your family Katrina,
    Meg

  11. Meg, you’ve blown the lid off my secret. It’s true, Isabel–camera angle is everything! (See my profile photo for proof!)

  12. Wonderful! This is the first time I’ve had time to read in a while so it hasn’t seemed to me like you were gone at all.

    However, it seems like normal kids put things in their noses because I often hear about it. My kids are not so normal and I pray that this nose thing never happens!

    Do I dare say? I’ve never seen Reality Bites (#2), I’ve never gone to a concert (#8), I’ve never baby-sat (#10), and only my kids have double chins when they are tiny (#5).

    I’m so THERE on #4 and #6.

    I’ve not experienced an iPOD yet.

    Your blog is just fabulous. I love it. You write SO well! Is there a book I can buy from you?

  13. Bearsie–Thank you so much! You warmed my whole day with your encouraging words!

    No book yet, although I could send you my seventh grade diary–I found it the other day and it does make for some dramatic reading.

  14. Hey I found the answer to “On what to do when a dinner guest finds a hair in his food” … just look pointedly at his wife/girlfriend/mom …hopefully one of them have the same hair color and aren’t skin-heads… that would “calm” him down.
    Now if the guest is female…

  15. So I Married an Axe Murderer – the best movie. It is tied for first with a few other greats. Hubby bought me a nano for Christmas and I too have been hooked! I mean, any song for 99 cents!! You know what I haven’t tried yet for fear of new addiction: ibooks. Downloading the latest and listening while cleaning, exercising, KNITTING.
    πŸ™‚ Great post! I was laughing…

  16. Ooooooh…iBooks! I must check that out. I’ve been ripping my favorite movies to mp4 files all day so I can watch them on my iPod. I’m never going to mind waiting in line again!

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