There is something truly repulsive growing next to the sidewalk outside my apartment.

I’m posting a picture of it that I took this morning, so I know I don’t really need to describe it for you. But I’m going to, anyway, because the image of it is stuck in my mind the way a popcorn kernel gets stuck between your teeth and works its way down into your soft gum tissue, and I’m pretty sure that the only way to rid myself of it is to turn and look full-on at its hideousness.

I think it’s a fungus of some type. Either that or a sentient alien life form that landed in the middle of the night last Monday and began to reproduce in hopes of colonizing the world, starting with Idaho.

It first appeared as a bulbous, mushroom-y, domed lump nestled in the gravel. Then, a few days later, without fanfare, it split open and The Abomination emerged.

Obviously phallic in shape (c’mon, people–there’s no sidestepping that observation), it stretches its pale white stalk towards the sky in search of…something. Possibly signals from the mother ship. Its head is covered in a dark green slime of dubious composition, which becomes, if possible, more disgusting every time I see it. The strange opening at its tip seems to sniff the air in a malevolent fashion (or maybe that’s just my overactive, X-Files-inflated imagination at work.) It’s hollow inside, and it feels kind of spongy. I know because…I touched it.

Not the slimy part, of course.

And I washed my hands afterwards.


For pity’s sake, will someone please tell me what this is? Because all my ideas are starting to frighten me.

13 responses »

  1. I am not sure what it is but I remember seeing a movie once where something like this happens. Two witch-girls try to bring back to life a dead guy but they being inexperienced witches end up botching it up and hes now half-alive so they bury him (or it). Soon enough a tree starts growing on the ground where he/it was buried…well I don’t want to frighten you.

    ***Evil grin***

  2. As I was sitting here innocently munching my pop tart and sipping my cup of coffee, I popped up your blog for today only to be confronted by *that*. Almost put me off my pop tart! Graphically disgusting and stomach-turning all the same.

    After your beautiful ode to fall, this was, well, hard. Nature, boy she sure can turn….

  3. Two things:
    1) I am sooo glad that I pulled a bunch of “bulbous, mushroom-y, domed lumps nestled in the gravel” beside my trash can on Sunday. I might have had a small army of these gross things sprouting.

    2) Now that you’ve documented it, please have Paul pull that thing up before Caleb gets hold of it and sucks the slime off! (Unless you have some weird obsession with finding out what..comes..next…, in which case I suggest you call whatever division Agents Mulder and Scully were from.)

  4. Can’t help you here, sorry! I’ve never seen anything like that here in Texas, which leads me to my conclusion…the aliens that landed on Monday night decided that Idaho seemed less threatening than Texas 🙂 My 2nd conclusion is that they definitely have a sense of humor when chosing what ‘shape’ to take 🙂

  5. I’m speechless.

    Oh dear. I read this very fascinating post to my husband who covered his face with his hands and exclaimed in astonishment, (similar to the reaction I’d expect from someone who did just realize that he’s actually seen and alien) – “It’s a potato penis!”

  6. He got that idea from the way the website said/showed it looks when it starts out and then what it appears to become.

    You can delete that comment if it’s more than you wanted to know. I thought his reaction was humorous.

  7. Sorry I put some of you off of your breakfast, but imagine how I feel! I have to walk out my door and past that thing in the morning while it glares menacingly at me and growls.

    Sri–You’re not helping. Don’t you think I have enough neuroses as it is?

    Kathy–Smell it? Um, NO. The Abomination is already haunting my dreams. The last thing I need is an olfactory-triggered memory of it. I am, however, thankful that you have identified it. Stinkhorn. What a perfectly appropriate name.

    Jennifer–I think you’re right. Any intelligent alien life form with an ounce of self-preservation would know better than to land in Texas. Too many gun owners around. World domination is much better initiated in backwater Idaho.

    Debbi–EEEEeeeeeeewwwwwWWWWWW! There goes my breakfast. Did I mention I’m already having nightmares?

    Bearsie–Your husband is quite right. Being from Idaho, I should have thought of that. I’m happy to say, however, that most of our potatoes assume normal, non-phallic shapes, for which we’re very thankful. 🙂

  8. mushroom obviously. i had a friend that studied those gross ones and looked for the poisonous, flesh eating and hallucinogen kinds.
    He’d know exactly what that is.
    powels.com would know.

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