Here He Is, Mr. Middle Earth


I’m watching Lord of the Rings. Again. I love it! Can you believe what a feast for the eyes Peter Jackson has given us in conjuring up the epic battles and beautiful, harsh landscapes first imagined by J.R.R. Tolkien decades ago? And speaking of feasting, how about those easy-on-the-eyes guys of the Fellowship? If you’re going to have a crush on a fictional heartthrob, you could do worse.

After extensive research consisting mostly of long, pointless arguments with my friend, Kathy, I’ve discovered that the great majority of women fall into one of two camps when it comes to their taste in men: those who think that Aragorn embodies the masculine ideal of honor, strength, integrity, and courage, and those who’ve indulged themselves in one too many Ent draughts. I mean, uh, those who prefer Legolas.

If I understand her correctly, Kathy’s main objection to Aragorn is that he’s dirty. As in sweaty. Unclean. And I must admit that it’s true, at least for a large portion of the films. The man has traversed the map of Middle Earth, fallen from a sheer rock cliff and lived, fought an army of orcs, and crawled through a filthy cave to rally legions of undead warriors and defeat the forces of evil. So sue him if he didn’t have time for a bubble bath.

If you ask me, Legolas is the creepy one–I mean, what kind of guy leaps like a gazelle over the mountains for hours at a time without sweating and opens the jugulars of dozens of Uruk-hai with his (admittedly) impressive knife work without getting a drop of blood on him?

Legolas, the Amazing Teflon Elf, that’s who. Admit it–he could pass more easily for a Breck Girl than a mighty warrior.

What’s so terrible about a little sweat, anyway? When Paul and I were dating in college, I used to go to all his basketball games, and when the final buzzer went off, I would run squealing down the bleachers to where he waited, slick with perspiration, to be caught up in a big sweaty hug and to kiss him right on his beautiful, sweaty mouth. Sure, I accidentally slid off sometimes, but we were in love. Of course, our love has since grown to such a highly evolved level that we can feel safe sharing our deepest thoughts, like “Don’t even think about touching me until you’ve showered and brushed your teeth, buddy.”

For what it’s worth, here is my ten-cent psychological analysis of the two sides of this tremendously relevant social issue. (For real psychological analysis, send a two hundred dollar check to either my mother or my sister, both of whom have bona fide psych degrees and could really use the money to pay back their loans.) :

The discerning Aragorn fan is a woman who likes her men and her life a little rough around the edges. She doesn’t throw out a pair of jeans just because they get a hole in them, and she doesn’t save receipts. She longs for adventure–not just the dangerous, stupid kind, but the kind that follows in pursuit of some lofty goal that is a little out of reach. She expects to get knocked down occasionally, but she still cries when it happens. She never runs out of hope.

The Legolas lover is a woman who craves harmony (and cleanliness!) in all things. She makes lists, she follows a schedule, she keeps her tax records well beyond the recommended four years. She finds out what needs to be done and then rolls up her sleeves and does it, unfailingly. When the chips are down, she somehow comes through, and her friends are always of the life-long variety. She never runs out of determination.

And then, of course, there are the women who are attracted to Frodo. They’re just freaks.

13 responses »

  1. Having never seen “Lord of the Rings”, I can’t claim to be an expert. I must say, as I read your post, just the name “Aragorn” turned me on. Legolas – isn’t that a pantyhose brand? After reading your analisys, I’d say I’m an Aragorn woman. Men who can jump supernaturally high or far freak me out.

  2. One Good comment deserves another. Thx. You have a great blog too.

    I’ve been trying to find my Aragorn-woman my woman needs to have a lot ot hope for I am hopeless. Lemme know if you come across any 🙂

  3. Haha, well, Legolas isn’t my top fictional crush (that’s Remus), and the only reason I liked him when I read the books was because he was an elf and I was 12 and I thought that was cool (well, it is cool).

    As far as the movies go, I do prefer Aragorn to Legolas, a lot, and the description actually fits perfectly, minus the crying and the never running out of hope. I’m really a rather cynical person – but yeah, everything else works, definitely. ALTHOUGH I obviously think it’s kind of hard to put people into little boxes – what if they want a threesome?

    jk! I think the main thing is that Viggo is effing way hotter than Orlando in that movie. And I do like the dirt, and the scraggly hair, and the desperate need of a shave. And my jeans do have holes in them. And I do have lofty goals.

    Hmm. You might have a point, or you might just be lucky.

    Also, just curious, how’d you find my lj?

  4. Do you really want to carry this onto the web? Okay, then…1) don’t get me started on the nasty basketball clothes, ick. 2) who is still wearing their favorite Levis, albeit with really long t-shirts because of holes in unfortunate spots, and 3) who is the planner (yes, complete with itemized projected costs and budget) of adventures-r-us?

    Legolas has got it together, and he manages to keep it neatly at hand in that well crafted quiver of his, and does it all while looking mighty fine in those nifty leather boots of his. C’mon, Aragorn. You’ve crossed many a rushing mountain creek and keep that sword of yours sharp and handy. Ever thought of splashing a bit of water on your face and shaving off that scruff?

    And yet, despite their differences, they manage to be the best of friends. Imagine that…;-)

  5. Well, I really expected some sort of rebuttal from my friend, Kathy, but she’s obviously reconsidering her position after being subjected to my scathing castigation of Legolas’ otherworldly cleanliness.

    Debbi–Agreed. No elven skipping and frisking about for us.

    Sri–I am keeping my eyes open for that risk-taking, hope-filled filly that you’re longing for. Unfortunately, up here in northern Idaho, India-bound babes are surprisingly hard to come by. Maybe you’d settle for a pen pal? I have a lot of friends…well, a few, anyway.

    Feu–I’m going to assume that I’m brilliant rather than lucky. And since you asked, I have to tell you the truth, even if it is sad: sometimes, after I post in my blog, I do a blog search using keywords from my subject to find other, similar blog entries–then I leave comments in an attempt to drum up some traffic. Cheap, isn’t it? I’m so ashamed…

  6. This is obviously a hot topic. People have been posting while I was writing, so now I must rebut (is that a word?). First and foremost, I must point out that this debate is ABSOLUTELY NOT about Viggo and Orlando, that must be agreed on by all involved in this debate. Secondly, never once does Legolas skip or frisk about.

  7. here in northern Idaho, India-bound babes are surprisingly hard to come by
    Ha ha ha. I would guess so. The traffic is usually in the other direction. Esp. if theres an University nearby.

  8. Your pal Kathy has an ally in me – Legolas gets my vote every time.

    And I have to put in a good word for Dominic Monaghan. I thought Merry was a great Hobbit, but his performance on Lost has won we over. Matthew Fox who?

  9. lololol. i loved it!!!!!!!! aragorn rules!!!!!!!! he is sooo hot!!!! have any comments for the obssesed???? i can’t get aragorn out of mind!!! lolol. of course… maybe i do have a chance and am not completly retarded… ya think?

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